My husband and I were not getting along for years and then he moved out, which suited me just fine because there was too much tension with us both there. Our two sons stayed in the house because this is the family home and it is big enough. Now, he left about seven months ago and someone started visiting me. What is stressing me out is that my younger son is giving attitude and dropping words about man in his father’s house. He makes it uncomfortable whenever my friend is visiting as he keeps passing by and slamming doors, etc. I confronted him and told him his behavior is immature for a 23-year-old, but he is not backing down. It’s better for my friend to come by me as he lives with his sister and children. The man is not even sleeping at the house; just visiting. How should I deal with my son? I don’t want to ask him to leave but I have to live my life.
Frustrated Mother
Dear Frustrated Mother,
That is quite a situation there. Relationships matters are never easy and change is also a challenge for some persons and your son is not handling the new situation well. I understand why you feel caught between your right to move forward with your life, and your son’s reaction to your new relationship. It sounds like this situation is bringing up unresolved emotions for him, even though you and your husband were already living separately before he moved out; maybe he didn’t know that or, if he knew, he liked the security of his family being together.
At 23, your son is an adult, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t still processing the changes in your family dynamic. You moved on years ago mentally, but he hasn’t caught up. For him, the home may still represent stability and familiarity and your new relationship could feel like a disruption to that — especially if he hasn’t fully come to terms with the separation. Remember, too, he might be feeling like he “lost” his father and does not want to lose you too. His behavior, though immature and disruptive, is likely his way of expressing discomfort or even hurt.
A calm and open conversation is needed between you and your boy child. Instead of confronting him about his actions, try approaching him with curiosity to understand him. Ask him how he feels about everything — not just about your friend visiting, but about the separation itself. Let him express his emotions without judgment, even if you don’t agree. Once you understand what’s really driving his behavior, you can address his concerns while also setting firm boundaries about respect. It is his home, too, and you should bear that in mind, but he should still respect you. Please also ensure that when your gentleman caller visits, he is not giving off an aggressive vibe because that will just trigger your son.
You are absolutely entitled to move on with your life and welcome companionship. At the same time, helping your son process this transition in a healthy way will create a more peaceful environment for you both. Assure him that while the family dynamic has changed, your love and support for him have not. Encourage him to express his feelings, but also make it clear that disrespectful behavior in the home won’t be tolerated.
This is an adjustment for everyone, and patience will be key. With time and communication, he may come to accept the new reality—even if he doesn’t love it.
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