I’m a young woman in my early twenties, living with my mom and trying to hold things together. We’ve struggled financially for as long as I can remember, and it’s really hard to watch my mom constantly sacrifice just to make sure we have the basics. I do what I can, but it often feels like we’re just barely getting by.
What makes it even more painful is knowing that my father — who is married to someone else and has children in that marriage — is living very comfortably. He seems to take good care of his other children. I knew of the situation when I was about 13 and they went to private school when I went government school. I get that my mom was wrong to have an affair with him, but at least he could try seeing I’m his flesh and blood.
I approached him twice in the past, asking to meet. We did meet once, but it was awkward and short, and he hasn’t reached out since. At first, I was heartbroken and confused. I thought maybe I did something wrong or wasn’t enough. But now, I’m just angry. Angry that he gets to pretend I don’t exist; angry that he’s out there being a great father to everyone except me; and angry that his family doesn’t even know about me. Everyone in Antigua thinks he is all that, but nobody — but my mom and her sister — knows this side of him.
I don’t know what to do with these feelings anymore. Should I try again? Should I confront him? Or should I just let it go and focus on building my life without him?
Please help me figure this out.
Dear Young Lady,
Your letter was so touching and I had to pause to try to imagine what it would feel like to walk in your shoes, and it was hard. I deeply respect the strength it takes to be vulnerable, especially when you’re already carrying so much. What you’re feeling — anger, sadness, confusion — is real and valid. You’ve been placed in a situation you didn’t ask for, and none of this is your fault.
Let’s be clear: every child deserves to be seen, loved, and acknowledged by both parents. That’s not a favor; it’s a right. So when that doesn’t happen, the impact runs deep. You’ve experienced rejection from someone who should’ve embraced you without question, and that leaves a wound.
Your mother’s past choices may not have been perfect, but you are not her choices. You are a human being who was brought into this world and deserves dignity, care, and a fair chance, especially from your own father. The fact that he chooses to show up for his other children but not for you, that he hides your existence, is not a reflection of your worth. It’s a reflection of his character. If he didn’t know of you, then we couldn’t hold it against him, but he knows and that has to hurt to the pit of your stomach. I’m really sorry.
That said, here’s what I want you to consider:
Let your anger guide you, but don’t let it trap you. Anger is natural because it tells us that something is wrong. But if you hold onto it too tightly, it will start eating away at the parts of you that deserve peace. Use it instead as fuel, not to prove yourself to him, but to create the kind of life you want. Make a plan for your life and forge forward in spite of him.
You have every right to reach out again, but know your “why”.If you’re thinking of confronting him, ask yourself: What do I want from this? An apology? A relationship? Acknowledgment? And if he still chooses silence—will I be okay? Sometimes the answers we want never come, but closure can still happen when we choose to stop expecting someone else to heal what they broke. If you need financial support from him, you are free to ask but personally, I would advise you not to. He knew you existed and never offered. Also, because you are over 18, he does not have any obligation and him saying no, might really hurt you even worse.
You don’t have to carry shame for someone else’s secrets. He may live publicly as a respected man, but the truth is the truth. It is not your job to expose him as that will help no one, but your existence is not something to be hidden; if you feel like identifying yourself as his daughter, then do so.
Focus on your healing and future. It’s okay to grieve the father you didn’t have. And it’s okay to let go of the version of him you hoped he could be. What you can do is build a life that is rich in love, stability, and truth—with or without his involvement. Surround yourself with people who see you, support you, and remind you that your story isn’t over because he stepped away. You matter. Not because of who your father is or isn’t. But because of who you are—and who you’re becoming.
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